Information Meeting

The other day we went to the Information Meeting at the Department of Child Services to find out more about the foster/adopt process. The meeting was only an hour, and we both went in with a lot of questions, a lot on our minds, and a little nervousness.

The group was small which was nice, because it was more intimate and I felt more comfortable opening up about our situation, why we want to adopt, and who we are as a gay couple. Besides us there was a single middle aged woman, who wanted a child and didn't want to wait any longer to "find the right man", and a couple that was probably our age that have reproductive issues and adoption was there next step.

The meeting was held by someone who works with the the DCF and then another woman who is an Adoption Ambassador and has adopted two children of her own. The Ambassador I had actually met before through a former co-worker about a year ago that knew we wanted to adopt. We kind of didn't keep up the contact, so I never got the information then. But everything happens for a reason, and at the time that you are ready for it. I probably wasn't ready for this process a year ago like I thought I was back then.

It was nice to hear from the Ambassador and her story about adopting her children. It's great to hear from someone who has been through the process, and can easily offer you information and answer you questions.

My big question was about the timeline; what had to be done and in what order. We went over that a lot and that really eased my mind. Matt felt a little better after the meeting as well. One of the big things we learned was that the child gets free health care, and if fostering a clothing allowance quarterly. Not that we can't provide those things ourselves, but it was nice to know what we would have some assistance. There are also support groups for the foster parents, and for the families. It's comforting to know that they won't just hand us a kid and say "Here ya go, have fun!" It's nice to know that there is support along the way.

The big question we have now is if we want to go in for fostering or fostering to adopt. With straight up fostering there is a huge chance that they child will come and go, you will get attached, and there for your heart breaks a little each time it happens. I don't see how you can every strengthen your heart enough to not have that effect you. Obviously, the main objective of DCF is to get the parent the help they need to get on track, and to reunite the child with it's biological parents eventually.

With foster to adopt, you are giving some of the child who are in the worse case scenarios, probably already in the foster system, and there is very little hope that they will be reunited with their parents. This increases the chance that, if you bond with the child, you adopt them and they stay with you. We are leaning more towards foster to adopt I think.

So now we have to fill out the very lengthy application, and wait for it to be looked over, background checks done, and then a home visit is scheduled. We may have to wait on filing the application for another month or two, because we are currently living a one bedroom townhouse. We will be moving to a bigger place at the end of April, where the child will have their own bedroom. So the home visit will need to be done once we've moved, so they can verify we have space for the child.

Fatherhood

My father has been on my mind a lot lately, even invading my dreams. I'm not sure why he is on my mind at all actually. Then it hit me, that in order to determine how I would be as a father, I needed to take a look at how my father was as a parent. To say that my father and I don't get along is to put it mildly, we haven't even spoken to one another in years. Sure, I've tried to mend fences but it was one sided and I gave up. I have forgiven him for everything and moved on. I did my best to repair our relationship, and wasn't even met half way. There was no more I could do, but to forgive and forget and move on with my life; without him in it. Which is something I've done for the past twenty plus years anyways.

 

Looking back over the things my father did to us as children, I began to see why I was so fearful of becoming a parent and perhaps waited this long to feel the time was right. As a parent, he would "make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh". I guess over the years he has taught me one thing, how not to be a parent. I want to undo the things he did emotionally to me. I want to provide my children with the love and nuturing that I never felt from him. My child would have the undying support and strength from me that I never received from him. I will beleive in my child, that they can do and be whatever they want, and be there to support them along that path.

Happy New Year

So it's that time of the year, the New Year, where we look forward to upcoming year and what we want to accomplish. I always start the New Year by making or revising my Vision Board. Big goals for 2013 include moving into a bigger place, getting a bigger car, welcoming a baby into our family, practicing yoga more, and continue biking and training for my first Century ride (100 miles).

Christmas Break

We went home to Florida for the holidays, for the first time since we moved to Boston six years ago. We decided to add on a few days at Walt Disney World, which is truly 'the happiest place on Earth" for us. This time I really took a look at the park, the rides, and the experience through the eyes of a parent. Wondering what it would be like when we have kids, and are able to take them.

It was one of the first times where I really began to have patience with some of the families, and started to realize what it meant to travel with small children. Seeing some of the magical memories being made by the families with kids, kept a smile on my face the whole time we were at the parks.

We also got to have a few days with my family and Matt's family as well. We approached the subject with everyone that we wanted to have a baby, or adopt in 2013. We both really expected a little resistance on the issue but came across none. My mother is a grandmother so many times over that it doesn't faze her. Matt's parents are grandparents to two boys, and will probably not see another grandchild from his only sibling. His mother was excited at the thought of having a grand daughter as I really am pushing for us to have a girl.

All in all our holidays were great, but there was a little underlying sadness for me. I really am ready to have a family of my own, and to share and create memories with. A little someone to pass on our traditions with, and to new create new ones.

Which Route Do We Take?

I'm starting this blog to journal our journey of bringing a child into our home. We are a gay male couple who have been together for 12 years and legally married for 3. A child is something we have both wanted, and dreamed about, but now more than ever we feel ready. I don't know why at this point in our life we finally feel ready, but we both want a child more than ever now. Maybe because I'm approaching 40 and feel like I'm running out of time and cant afford to wait any longer. Maybe we feel secure enough in our career and current lives that we feel primed to open our home. But whatever the reason may be, we know we are ready for this next stage in our life together. Anything involving children just goes right to my heart center. Seeing something cute like an outfit makes my eyes tear up, seeing children laughing and playing just warms my heart. And with shows like “Modern Family” and “The New Normal” on tv which show happy gay couples adopting and having children, it just seems more like a reality now.

The recent tragedy of the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut has just rocked our nation. How could one young person, be so disturbed as to walk into a school and shoot 26 people including 20 small children ages 5 and 6. Not being a parent, I can't even imagine what parents are thinking and feeling. And not just the parents of the victims, but parents all around the world, who cant imagine that someone could do that. The fear they now feel for their own children, the sadness the world feels. It's just too much darkness to understand. I'm not a parent yet, but I feel it too. Ive cried over these tiny souls lost.

All of this seems sad, but it makes me realize that I am ready to be a parent. If I can feel all of this, and have all these emotions about children that I don’t even know, imagine the space I have in my heart for a child that will be my own.

So as 2012 closes, and we ring in the New Year in the next week or two, we look forward. We always choose a word that we want to embody our upcoming year as far as goals and our focus. Growth is our word for 2013. Growing his career, continuing to grow my fitness business, growing our home life, and growing our family with the addition of a child.

But where to begin? We considered surrogacy and thought having a biological child would be such an amazing experience. We actually had a friend offer to be our surrogate and expected nothing in return, but only if we moved back to DC to be near her during the pregnancy. Surrogacy is expensive if you go that route, which we don’t really have the means necessary right now to do that.

Another option we explored was fostering to adopt. I've talked to people who have done it and what an emotional roller coaster ride this options seems to be. Of course, its the main focus of the state to reunite the child with is biological parents, instead of placing it with a new family permanently. So these placements are more often than not temporary, although on occasion adoptions to come out of some of the placements. I understand wanting to keep the family together, and I'm all for that, I just don't know if I have a strong enough heart to watch a child and come and go from our family.

Adoption? This is a new one for us to start exploring. There are so many kids in the system and this seems like a realistic possibility for us. I always thought that adopting required so many fees etc, but I'm learning that adopting through the states is much easier and not as expensive.

I wanted to start this blog to not only document what we learn, and our journey to having a child, but to also offer answers to those who might be on the same path of us in the future. As I started researching our options, the information for a gay male couple wishing to adopt was few and far between. I know we are not the only couple out there that will want to have a child, so I'm hoping that our journey can eventually help others someday.

So right now we stand at what route can we take, and what is the most realistic option for us? Within the next year, our plan is to move into a bigger place that is more suited for having a small one running around. We know we would like a child somewhere around the age of 3-5, Matt wants a boy, and I want a girl. Maybe we will wind up with both? We are going to take the required parenting classes through the state for fostering and adoption and further explore our options from there.

 

2013 promises to bring lots of big things!