My father has been on my mind a lot lately, even invading my dreams. I'm not sure why he is on my mind at all actually. Then it hit me, that in order to determine how I would be as a father, I needed to take a look at how my father was as a parent. To say that my father and I don't get along is to put it mildly, we haven't even spoken to one another in years. Sure, I've tried to mend fences but it was one sided and I gave up. I have forgiven him for everything and moved on. I did my best to repair our relationship, and wasn't even met half way. There was no more I could do, but to forgive and forget and move on with my life; without him in it. Which is something I've done for the past twenty plus years anyways.
Looking back over the things my father did to us as children, I began to see why I was so fearful of becoming a parent and perhaps waited this long to feel the time was right. As a parent, he would "make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh". I guess over the years he has taught me one thing, how not to be a parent. I want to undo the things he did emotionally to me. I want to provide my children with the love and nuturing that I never felt from him. My child would have the undying support and strength from me that I never received from him. I will beleive in my child, that they can do and be whatever they want, and be there to support them along that path.
